I’m certain that somewhere right now you are living your life as happy and care free as you always did. Probably still drinking too much and abusing your body with whatever substance you can find. I’m sure that the children that you created don’t really cross your mind – except when they take that pittance of money out of your check to pay down the $18K you owe in back child support.
I’m sure that you don’t suffer any guilt or remorse over what you did – because how could you. You have no idea the pain you caused. You have no idea the loss you created. You have no idea that in essence you stole a life. Of course you are able to continue on as though nothing ever happened because how could you know what you did.
You only saw him a few times after you nearly killed our son. You weren’t there for the years and years of doctors appointments, physical therapy, CAT scans, MRIs, neurology appointments and evaluations.
You missed out on all the meetings with schools and special education departments. You escaped the joy of sitting through IEP meetings and testing. You haven’t had to explain to another parent that you are so very sorry your son threw a chair at their kid but he simply can’t control himself. You weren’t there to experience your 3 year old being kicked out of a daycare because he was “too much” for them to handle.
You didn’t get to experience what it was like to see your son scream uncontrollably and bang his head into the ground or on a wall repeatedly because he couldn’t articulate what was wrong with him. You never experienced the fear of not knowing if your child was ever going to be able to sit up on his own, walk, talk, run … hell, he still isn’t able to even ride a bike.
I wish I was able to say that I had evolved enough over the years to be able to forgive you for what you have done. I wish that I could be that good of a person. Because if I was I wouldn’t feel this gut wrenching anger every time I watch my son struggle. And yes, I say my son because you lost the right to call him yours long ago.
I really wish that I could move on past this urge to track you down and take a baseball bat to your head. I know that wishing that makes me a vindictive person, makes me less than what I am aspiring to be…but I can’t help it. I want nothing more than for you to understand what it’s like to live the life you sentenced him to when you shook him.
I look at my son, and the struggles he has faced throughout his 15 years and rage wells up inside me because he didn’t have to struggle. He shouldn’t have had to struggle. HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO STRUGGLE LIKE THIS!
But you, you worthless human being, you changed his life forever. You took away any hope of a normal life for him. A normal future. You took away his life, the one he was supposed to have. The one where he could grow up and learn to drive a car, move out on his own, start a life with someone he loved … he thinks about those things you know.
But they are abstract thoughts, the way a young child would think about them – a little kid imagining what it will be like when he gets older. You see because of you my son will forever be a child. He will forever be stuck with the mentality of a 10-12 year old.
And worse than that, he will be forever tortured by the knowledge that he is different than he should be. You see this amazing young man struggles on a daily basis because he is AWARE of his age and how old he is and what that SHOULD be like for him. But he knows that he isn’t like that. He KNOWS that his struggles are not ‘normal’. He is forced to watch as his little sister passes him by on almost every level of development and he struggles every day with that knowledge.
Imagine that for a moment. Imagine being aware of the fact that you SHOULD KNOW how to do something but you simply can’t. Imagine as a 15 year old having your 8 year old sister be more advanced than you will EVER BE. Imagine watching your twin be able to live a more ‘normal’ life than you. And KNOW that it wasn’t supposed to be like that.
Imagine listening to your child wish he was ‘normal’. Listening to him tell you that he feels like he should just leave because he knows how hard he makes your life. Imagine feeling that gut wrenching heartbreak, knowing that your child feels like he is a burden to you.
And I say these things like you should care, even though I know you don’t. You don’t even know the pain you have caused.
I don’t hate many things in this world because I don’t like the way that hate makes me feel – but I hate you. I hate you for what you took from my son. I hate you for taking his life, the one he was supposed to have. One where every day wasn’t a struggle just to keep a thought in his head, or understand certain things … one where he could just live without constantly needing to work on keeping his temper and his focus. A life where he will forever be 10.
I wish I could be that kind of person who could forgive you, but I can’t – because every day I am faced with the reminder of what you did. Every day I watch my son face a new struggle. Every day I think about that life, that easier life that you took from him – and I will never ever forgive you for taking that away from him.