So I went back to the mental health center. I talked with a new therapist and explained everything that I had been going through, everything that I was experiencing. My frustration with it all. Guess what she told me…
You are definitely struggling with some aspects of depression.
Deep breath. It’s ok Heather. You can admit that you are struggling, it’s ok….
It took the entire session for me to be able to finally understand and admit to myself that I was in fact dealing with depression. Not the I want to cry all the time feel like everything is hopeless depression. No this was different – but still depression.
I think that was the hardest thing for me to ever admit. That I was struggling with something that I couldn’t overcome without help. I have always hated asking for help. I don’t like having to admit that I can’t do something on my own. I told this to the therapist and she looked at me with this knowing smile and nodded.
“That is likely why you are now struggling with this depression. Your mind and your body are tired. You have been doing it all on your own for so long there are parts of you that you have been neglecting.”
Hmmmm… that rings true somewhere inside of me. The somewhere that I push down in order to be the responsible parent. The part of me that wants to rebel and stop adulting. The part of me that was ignored for so long that NOW it will no longer be silent. It’s no longer just about taking a few minutes for myself, it’s about an entire part of who I am being neglected. And that part is now scaling a full on mutiny!
So what’s next? Well for starters I have started taking medication to help with the depression. Nothing too major, low dosage only once per day. But I have to say I have noticed a MAJOR improvement since I started taking it. My focus is back, I am interested in the things I love again and I am motivated again FINALLY. Things are starting to turn back around – look Ma’ I’m blogging again!
I am also seeing my therapist regularly. That phrase would have made me cringe not too long ago. Not because I have anything against therapy, it’s a wonderful thing that helps so many people. I just didn’t want to be the one having to ask for help. (My neurosis runs DEEP!)
Things are better and I am really glad that I finally sucked it up and admitted that I needed help and then had the courage to go get it.