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The Single Mom Blog

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What Does It Take To Be a Good Mom?

By Heather Wells Posted on October 22, 2020 0 Comments 748 views

Recently I saw a meme posted on Facebook by a lovely woman named Amy Ahlers. (Seriously, if you don't know her you should totally check her out here). I have known her for years and she is truly one of the most loving women I know.

She posted this image when I really needed to hear what it was saying.

Want to be a good mom? What it takes to be a good mom is likely not what you think.

That last part is what REALLY resonated with me because lately I have been questioning whether or not I am a good mom. There have have been some pretty big changes in my home lately and I have been struggling.

Raising a Teenage Girl is HARD…

Raising a teenage daughter is so different than raising my boys was. There have been struggles and challenges that I never expected. Things that I simply wasn't prepared for.

To be perfectly honest, I feel completely ill equipped to raise a teenage girl. Growing up I was a tom boy and was never really a ‘girly' girl. I don't always do well with overly emotional responses. Really didn't even like boys until I got into high school. (I saw them as friends not ‘boyfriend' material).

Sometimes I worry that I don't always know how to relate to my daughter at this age. I don't always feel like I am equipped to give her good advice. I struggle to relate to her at times and because of that we have been arguing more lately. Which is yet another reason for me to feel like I am not a good mom.

I mean, shouldn't I just KNOW how to do this?

Recently she decided that she wanted to go from our week on week off schedule to living mostly with her dad. After a lot of discussion we agreed to make the change. This has been REALLY hard for me. Even though she feels that this is better for her right now, I don't fully agree.

However, I am willing to try this because more than anything I want her to be ok. I know that there are likely many different reasons for her wanting this change. Her father is a dynamically different parent than I am. I am more over protective and strict in many ways than he is. He doesn't ‘nag' her about her grades and getting her schoolwork done like I do – and other various things she listed off.

If I am being honest, I think that the core reason though is that she has craved a better relationship with her father. Her whole life she has been desperate for it and now he is able to provide that. So she wants as much of that as possible.

Trying not to take it personally…

When my daughter told me she wanted to live mostly at her dad's house I took it very hard. I took it personally. I was a bad mom. That had to be the reason, because if I was a good mom she wouldn't want to leave.

Beating myself up for days, running the emotional scale from devastated to hurt to angry with everything in between. I was mad at myself…upset with myself…feeling like I wasn't a good mom.

After a little bit of time I came to the realization that I didn't do anything wrong specifically. I was still being the parent I had always been but she was developing into her own person. She and I have to figure out how our relationship is going to change – because she is growing up.

I had to realize that none of this was personal. She wasn't punishing me. I wasn't a bad mom. We just were struggling. I needed to give myself some grace. Which brings me back to the meme…

One of the outcomes of her living mostly with her dad is that now he becomes the primary care giver. So after 13 years of doing all the scheduling, being the primary source of transportation and staying on top of her grades – I now pass the baton to him. All those responsibilities now fall on him to manage.

This means that my life is a lot different than it has been for the last 13 years. All this time I have scheduled my life around my children. Since my boys are technically adults now, for the past 3 years it has been mostly around her. Now, without her here as much, I am able to do the things I may have been neglecting.

It is ok to do things for ourselves…

Remembering that it is ok to do things for ourselves – it is hard sometimes. Sometimes that means setting new boundaries and saying ‘no' when you used to just say yes. It can be hard and uncomfortable sometimes. For 13 years I have been the ‘do it all' parent. I had to tell myself that it was ok for me now plan my life around NOT being that parent anymore.

It is ok for me to expect her dad and step-mother to now step into that role because that is what the primary care giver does. That is the role they have taken on and expecting them to do that is not mean or petty – that is just the reality of that role.

Now I am learning how to live in this new reality where my daughter isn't a primary part of it. I am working on remembering how to do things for myself that I need to. Things that help me be ok – even though nothing about this feels ok right now.

As moms we often struggle to do things that we need to do – or WANT to do for ourselves. We worry how it will look to others, or if it is the right decision for our family – even if it right for US. How often have to done something for yourself and then felt guilty afterward? Did you feel like you weren't being a good mom?

It is ok for us to do the things we need to do for our well being. You are still a good mother if you find fulfillment outside of being a mom. Doing things that make you happy without your kids doesn't make you a bad mom.

Want to go back to work? – Do it if you are able to.

Want to start painting? – Girl PAINT!

Do you need to take medication to help with depression? – Please DEFINITELY talk to your doctor and do that if you need to. There is NO reason to feel bad about that!

You were a person before you had children and it is ok to be something more than mom.

You were a person before you had children and it is ok to be something more than mom. It is ok to do what you need to do to be ok. You will still be a good mom even if you admit that you aren't actually Wonder Woman and need some help.

Ultimately my daughter wanted this change because she felt she needed this for her to be ok – and that is important.

Finding and doing the things I need to do to be ok with this change is important too.

XOXO
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By Heather Wells
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Heather Wells
Heather is a single mother living in beautiful Colorado. She has 3 wonderful children; twin 20 year old young men and a 13 year old daughter. She has lived in Colorado for the better part of her life and is a stay at home work at home mother. She started her own business over 12 years ago and is happily, albeit precariously, balancing her work and personal lives. She spent over 8 years struggling financially and emotionally as a single parent before discovering how shifts in mindset and attitude can bring forth amazing changes in her life. Now her mission is to help other single moms stop the constant struggle and start creating success in their lives through the Single Mom Blog and Podcast.
What Does It Take To Be a Good Mom?

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Welcome!

Welcome!

I'm Heather and I am a single mother to 3 amazing children. I started this blog to help other single moms like me find inspiration, support, ideas and hopefully a few laughs. I am glad that you are here - remember you are not alone!

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Instagram Followed by: 380 | Follow Me!

There have been many people who have come in and out of my life. Some good, some AMAZING, some not so great and some who were life altering in not so great ways. ⁣
.⁣
All of them have played a part in my journey. Some helped me grow and learn more about myself. Some helped me realize what I did and didn\'t want out of life. Some simply brought a smile to my face and others made me cry. Some forever changed the lives of my family. Some I am still working to forgive. ⁣
.⁣
It seems crazy to be thankful to those who hurt you doesn\'t it? Being thankful to those who helped you is easy. But realizing that those who have hurt you also played a huge role in helping you become a better version of yourself. You may still be in the process of becoming that better version. ⁣
.⁣
We are all made up of a combination of our experiences. And as hard as they can be the trials that we go through help shape us even more than some of the good times do. I can\'t imagine what my life would be like had some of the people who hurt me not been a part of it. ⁣
. ⁣
I wouldn\'t have the life I do now and I love my life. I wouldn\'t have my beautiful daughter. I wouldn\'t have my amazing boys. Had the things and people I wanted back when I was 19 years old stayed in my life... these amazing people I helped create wouldn\'t be here. ⁣
.⁣
We all have pasts and things that we likely regret, poor decisions we made...but they all led us here. And our next decisions will lead us even farther. Maybe you aren\'t exactly where you want to be yet - but that\'s ok because you are getting there. And all the people you meet along the way are part of that journey and are meant to be there to help you in some way.⁣
#thankful #gratitude #positivity #lifelessons #thejourney #thesinglemomblog #thissinglemomrocks #singlemom #mom #parenting  #singleparent #singlemomsrock #singlemommylife #selfreflection #parentingblogger #mommyblogger

10

There have been many people...

Do you ignore people\'s red flags? Are you a fixer? If someone shows you their true colors, don\'t try to repaint them. This statement really hits home for me. I realized years ago, after my last relationship, that I am a fixer. I think about people in terms of who they could be. Completely ignoring who they really are a lot of times. Looking past the red flags to only try to see the good things. I try to repaint them. Seeing the potential while ignoring the bad things about them.⁣
⁣
This weeks podcast episode is all about those red flags and NOT ignoring them!⁣
https://thesinglemomblog.com/red-flags/⁣
⁣
⁣
#podcast #podcasts #podcaster #thissinglemomrocks #singlemom #mom #parenting #thesinglemomblog  #singleparent #single #mommylife #thesinglemomblog #thesinglemompodcast #momblogger #singleparent #inspirationalquotes #selflove #selfcare # #selfworth #momlifeisthebestlife #podcasting

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Do you ignore people\'s red...

Tap the link in my bio for more info -> @singlemomblogger⁣
Do you ever get in your own dang way? How often could we be the cause of some of our own problems? Yes, we all can have some crappy times but do we sometimes sabotage our goals? This podcast episode is all about self-sabotage and how to stop getting in your own way. Head over to the blog to check it out!

4 1

Tap the link in my...

Today I am wearing pearls. I wear them in honor of RBG and all the work she did for equality and women\'s rights. She was a champion for equality and I will forever be grateful to her.  I also wear them to honor my cousin. These were hers. She passed away from meningitis years ago. I haven\'t been able to bring myself to wear them before now because they made me sad. But today I do. I know if she were alive today she would be passionately voicing her opinion and just as passionately telling people to vote.  Our democracy is important and it requires our active participation. VOTE!
#vote2020 #vote #usemyvoice #iwillusemyvoice #thesinglemomblog #singlemom #singlemomblog #thissinglemomrocks #democracy #yourvoicematters

10 1

Today I am wearing pearls....

Was not feeling well yesterday and missed posting this for #nationaldaughtersday . My beautiful girl who is just growing up too damn fast for my liking. 
.
.
No matter the struggles we go through, you are one of the most important people in my life and I love you so much.
.
.
You are growing into such a powerful young woman I don\'t think you even realize how strong and amazing you are. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. 
.
.
Your beautiful soul and giving heart is what makes you so stunning. I am so proud of who you are becoming. Keep seeking the beautiful and positive things in this world.

13 2

Was not feeling well yesterday...

I am gutted. This woman was such a bad ass. She was a pioneer for women everywhere. 
.
.
One of very few women to attend Harvard Law at that time, the first woman to be on Harvard and Columbia law review. Asked by the dean of Harvard \"why she was at Harvard taking what should be a man\'s place\" 😡
.
.
In 1970, she co-founded the Women\'s Rights Law Reporter, the first law journal in the U.S. to focus exclusively on women\'s rights. She was a champion for women\'s rights!
.
.
The Notorious RBG. This country mourns your loss. And now more than ever it is important that we #vote
.
.
.
#notoriousrbg #rbg #restinpeace #supremecourt #ruthbaderginsburg #idissent #vote #usemyvoice #iwillusemyvoice #thesinglemomblog #singlemom #singlemomblog #singlemom #womenempowerment #womensrights

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I am gutted. This woman...

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Follow Me On Instagram! Followed by: 380 | Follow Me!

There have been many people who have come in and out of my life. Some good, some AMAZING, some not so great and some who were life altering in not so great ways. ⁣
.⁣
All of them have played a part in my journey. Some helped me grow and learn more about myself. Some helped me realize what I did and didn\'t want out of life. Some simply brought a smile to my face and others made me cry. Some forever changed the lives of my family. Some I am still working to forgive. ⁣
.⁣
It seems crazy to be thankful to those who hurt you doesn\'t it? Being thankful to those who helped you is easy. But realizing that those who have hurt you also played a huge role in helping you become a better version of yourself. You may still be in the process of becoming that better version. ⁣
.⁣
We are all made up of a combination of our experiences. And as hard as they can be the trials that we go through help shape us even more than some of the good times do. I can\'t imagine what my life would be like had some of the people who hurt me not been a part of it. ⁣
. ⁣
I wouldn\'t have the life I do now and I love my life. I wouldn\'t have my beautiful daughter. I wouldn\'t have my amazing boys. Had the things and people I wanted back when I was 19 years old stayed in my life... these amazing people I helped create wouldn\'t be here. ⁣
.⁣
We all have pasts and things that we likely regret, poor decisions we made...but they all led us here. And our next decisions will lead us even farther. Maybe you aren\'t exactly where you want to be yet - but that\'s ok because you are getting there. And all the people you meet along the way are part of that journey and are meant to be there to help you in some way.⁣
#thankful #gratitude #positivity #lifelessons #thejourney #thesinglemomblog #thissinglemomrocks #singlemom #mom #parenting  #singleparent #singlemomsrock #singlemommylife #selfreflection #parentingblogger #mommyblogger

10

There have been many people...

Do you ignore people\'s red flags? Are you a fixer? If someone shows you their true colors, don\'t try to repaint them. This statement really hits home for me. I realized years ago, after my last relationship, that I am a fixer. I think about people in terms of who they could be. Completely ignoring who they really are a lot of times. Looking past the red flags to only try to see the good things. I try to repaint them. Seeing the potential while ignoring the bad things about them.⁣
⁣
This weeks podcast episode is all about those red flags and NOT ignoring them!⁣
https://thesinglemomblog.com/red-flags/⁣
⁣
⁣
#podcast #podcasts #podcaster #thissinglemomrocks #singlemom #mom #parenting #thesinglemomblog  #singleparent #single #mommylife #thesinglemomblog #thesinglemompodcast #momblogger #singleparent #inspirationalquotes #selflove #selfcare # #selfworth #momlifeisthebestlife #podcasting

11

Do you ignore people\'s red...

Tap the link in my bio for more info -> @singlemomblogger⁣
Do you ever get in your own dang way? How often could we be the cause of some of our own problems? Yes, we all can have some crappy times but do we sometimes sabotage our goals? This podcast episode is all about self-sabotage and how to stop getting in your own way. Head over to the blog to check it out!

4 1

Tap the link in my...

Today I am wearing pearls. I wear them in honor of RBG and all the work she did for equality and women\'s rights. She was a champion for equality and I will forever be grateful to her.  I also wear them to honor my cousin. These were hers. She passed away from meningitis years ago. I haven\'t been able to bring myself to wear them before now because they made me sad. But today I do. I know if she were alive today she would be passionately voicing her opinion and just as passionately telling people to vote.  Our democracy is important and it requires our active participation. VOTE!
#vote2020 #vote #usemyvoice #iwillusemyvoice #thesinglemomblog #singlemom #singlemomblog #thissinglemomrocks #democracy #yourvoicematters

10 1

Today I am wearing pearls....

Was not feeling well yesterday and missed posting this for #nationaldaughtersday . My beautiful girl who is just growing up too damn fast for my liking. 
.
.
No matter the struggles we go through, you are one of the most important people in my life and I love you so much.
.
.
You are growing into such a powerful young woman I don\'t think you even realize how strong and amazing you are. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. 
.
.
Your beautiful soul and giving heart is what makes you so stunning. I am so proud of who you are becoming. Keep seeking the beautiful and positive things in this world.

13 2

Was not feeling well yesterday...

I am gutted. This woman was such a bad ass. She was a pioneer for women everywhere. 
.
.
One of very few women to attend Harvard Law at that time, the first woman to be on Harvard and Columbia law review. Asked by the dean of Harvard \"why she was at Harvard taking what should be a man\'s place\" 😡
.
.
In 1970, she co-founded the Women\'s Rights Law Reporter, the first law journal in the U.S. to focus exclusively on women\'s rights. She was a champion for women\'s rights!
.
.
The Notorious RBG. This country mourns your loss. And now more than ever it is important that we #vote
.
.
.
#notoriousrbg #rbg #restinpeace #supremecourt #ruthbaderginsburg #idissent #vote #usemyvoice #iwillusemyvoice #thesinglemomblog #singlemom #singlemomblog #singlemom #womenempowerment #womensrights

10

I am gutted. This woman...

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